“真是这样！”母亲惊呼道，又开始活跃起来。但是他看到母亲仍目不转睛地坐在那儿盯着窗外的大教堂，那呆滞的脸色和眼神似乎在思索着人生的无情。母亲眼角的鱼尾纹和紧紧闭着的嘴巴，简直让他觉得自己会发疯。
他们吃了一顿她认为太奢侈的饭。
“别认为我喜欢吃这顿饭，”她一边吃着炸肉排一边说：“我不喜欢，我真的不喜欢！你想想浪费了你多少钱！”
“你不用计较我的钱，”他说：“你忘了我现在是带着女朋友出游的人。”
他还给她买了几朵蓝铃花。
“别买，先生。”她命令道：“我要这些花干什么？”
“你别管，就站在那儿。”
走在马路中间，他把花插在了她的外套上。
“我太老了！”她鼻子哼了一声，说道。
“你知道，”他说，“我想让人们都认为我们是非常有身份的人物。神气点儿。”
“瞧我不把你的头揪下来。”她 笑道。
“大摇大摆地走！”他命令道，“要像扇尾鸽那样神气。”
他用了一个钟头才陪她逛完了这条街。她在神洞前停了停，又在石弓前停了停，她每到一处都站着不走，高兴得直嚷嚷。
一个男人走上前来，脱下帽子，给她行了个礼。
“要不要我带你参观一下这个城市，夫人？”
“不用了，谢谢。”她回答说：“我有儿子陪着。”
保罗就怪她在回答时没有显得高傲一点。
“走开吧，你。”她叫道：“哈！那儿是犹太教堂。喂，你记不记得那次布道，保罗……？”
可是，她几乎爬不上教堂的那条陡坡，开始时他没注意。后来，他突然发现母亲累得几乎连话都不能讲了。于是就带着她走进一间小酒店，让她休息一下。
“没事儿。”她说，“就是我的心脏有点衰老了，这是难免的。”
他没有回答，只是望着她。他的心又一阵抽搐，痛苦万分。他想哭，想捣毁所有的东西。
他们又动身了，慢慢地一步一步地走着。每一步就像一个重担压在他胸口上。他觉得自己的心似乎要爆炸。最后，母子俩终于爬上了山顶。她出神地站在那里，望着城堡大门，望着教堂正面，简直都入迷了，忘记了自己。
“这要比我想象中的好！”她叫道。
不过，他却不喜欢她这副神情。他一直跟着她，始终思虑重重。他们一起坐在教堂里，跟唱诗班一起做礼拜。她有些胆怯。
“我想这是人人都可以参加的吧？”她问儿子。
“是的。”他回答道：“你认为他们会那么无礼地把我们赶走？”
“可是， 我相信，”她叫道：“他们要是听到了你的这番话，就会这么做的。”
做礼拜时，她脸上好象闪着兴奋和喜悦的光。而保罗却始终想发火，想捣毁东西，想痛哭一场。
后来，他们趴在墙上，探身俯瞰着下面的城市。保罗突然说：
“为什么一个人就不能有一个年轻的妈妈？她为什么要老？”
“哦，”母亲 笑了起来：“她对此也无能为力啊。”
“可我为什么又不是长子呢？瞧——别人总是说小儿子占便宜——可是瞧，长子有年轻的妈妈。你应该让我作长子。”
“我可没法安排这个。”她分辩说。“你想想，抱怨我还不如怨你。”
他冲她转了过来，脸色苍白，眼睛里闪着愤怒。
“你为什么要老呢！”他说。保罗因自己无能为力而火冒三丈。“你为什么走不动，你为什么不能陪我到处走走？”
“以前啊，”她回答说：“我能比你还快地跑上那座山。”
“这话对我有什么用？”他大声喊着，一拳打在墙上。接着，他变得很伤心。“你病了真糟糕。亲爱的妈妈，这是……”
“病！”她喊着说：“我只是有点老了，你得容忍这点。”
两人都沉默不言，不过他们都难以忍受。后 来，吃茶点时，他们又高兴了。他们坐在布雷福河畔观看游船。这时，他把克莱拉的情况告诉了母亲。母亲问了他一连串的问题。
“那她跟谁住在一起？”
“跟她妈妈住在蓝铃山上。”
“她们的日子还过得去吗？”
“我不认为。她们可能在干挑花边的工作。”
“那么，她有什么魅力，孩子？”
“我不知道她是否很迷人，妈妈。但她不错，而且她很直率，你知道——一点也不是使心眼的人。”
“可是她比你大得多。”
“她三十岁，我快二十三岁了。”
“你还没告诉我你为什么喜欢她？”
“因为，我不知道——她有一种挑战似的性子——一种愤世嫉俗的神态。”
莫瑞尔太太考虑着。儿子爱上了一个女人，她应该高兴才是，那女人是——她也不知道是什么样的。可是，他如此烦躁，一会儿暴跳如雷，一会儿又意气消沉。她希望他结识了一个好女人——她也弄不清楚自己究竟希望什么，但也不想去弄清楚。不管怎么说，她对克莱拉倒没有什么敌意。
安妮快要结婚了。伦纳德已经去伯明翰工作了。有个周末，他到家里来，母亲对他说：
“你看起来气色不太好，孩子。”
“我也不知道。”他说，“我只觉得心烦意乱，妈。”
他已经叫她“妈妈”了，叫起来像个小孩。
“你真的觉得你住的地方条件不错吗？”她问。
“是的——是的。只是——总觉得有点别扭，你得给自己倒茶，即使你把茶倒在菜碟里，一口一口地把它喝光，也没人管你怨你。可不知为什么就觉得喝茶也不那么有味儿了。”
莫瑞尔太太笑了。
“这就让你受不了啦？”她说。
“我不知道。我想结婚。”他脱口而出，说罢扭着手指头，盯着脚上的靴子。屋里沉默了一阵。
“可是，”她叫道。“ 我记得你说过要再等一年。”
“是的，我是这么说过。”他固执地回答。
她又考虑了一阵。
“你知道，”她说：“安妮花钱有点儿大手大脚。她只存了十一镑。而且我知道，孩子，你的运气也不大好。”
他的脸刷地红到了耳朵根上。
“我已经攒了三十四镑。”他说罢，就低下头，两只手在扭着手指头。
“而且你知道，”她说，“我是一无所有……”
“我不要你的，妈！”他叫道，脸色通红，看样子是又难受又想辩解什么。
“当然，孩子，我清楚。我只是希望我有钱。拿出五英镑来操办婚礼和买用的东西——只剩下二十九镑，派不了多大的用场。”
他仍旧扭着手指头，执拗而无力地耷拉着脑袋。
“不过，你是真想结婚吗？”她问：“你觉得自己应该结婚了吗？”
他那双蓝眼睛直直地看着她。
“是的。”他说。
“那么，”她回答道，“我们都得为此尽力而 为了，孩子。”
他再抬起头时，已是热泪盈眶。
“我不想让安妮觉得有什么不如人的地方。”他挣扎着说。
“孩子，”她说，“你的情况已经比较稳定——有一份体面的职业。如果有个男人想要我的话，我只凭他最近一星期的工资操办婚事我也会嫁给他的。刚开始过紧日子她可能觉得不太习惯。年轻姑娘都这样，她们总认为理所应当地该有个舒适的家。我曾经有过比较讲究的家具，但这又不能代表一切。
就这样，婚礼几乎立即就举行了。亚瑟回家了，穿着军装十分神气。安妮穿着一身她平时星期天才穿的鸽灰色礼服，看上去漂亮可爱。莫瑞尔觉得安妮这么早结婚真是个傻瓜，因此对女婿很冷淡。莫瑞尔太太戴着帽子，穿的衬衫上也镶满白色饰针。两个儿子都取笑她自命不凡。伦纳德快乐而兴奋，活像个大傻瓜。保罗不明白安妮为什么要结婚。他喜欢她，她也喜欢他。不过，他还是悲伤地希望这件婚事美满幸福。亚瑟穿着紫红加橙黄两色相间的军装，英俊极了，他自己也清楚地意识到这一点。不过，他在内心里为这身军装而羞愧。安妮因为就要离开母亲了，在厨房里号陶大哭。莫瑞尔太太也落了泪，后 来，她拍着安妮的肩膀说：
“快别哭了，孩子，他会待你好的。”
莫瑞尔跺着脚说，安妮把自己嫁出去是作茧自缚，真是个大傻瓜。伦纳德看上去脸色苍白，过于紧张和劳累。莫瑞尔太太对他说：
“我把她交给你了，孩子，你可得好好负责啊。”
“您放心好了。”他说。这场考验差点要了他的命，如今婚事终于结束了。
莫瑞尔和亚瑟都上了床。保罗仍象往常一样，坐着跟母亲聊天。
“她结婚了你不难过吧，妈妈？”他问。
“她结婚我不难过。可是——她要离开我却有些让我不适应。她情愿跟伦纳德走，这简直让我伤心。做妈妈的就是这样——我也知道这样未免太傻。”
“你会为她伤心吗？”
“每当我想起我结婚的那一天，我就伤心。”母亲答道：“我只希望她的生活与我的不同。”
“你相信他会待她好吗？”
“是的，我相信，别人说他配不上她。但我认为，如果一个男人像他这样真心实意，而姑娘又喜欢他的话——那么——婚姻应该是没有问题的。他配得上她。”
“那你放心了？”
“我决不会让自己的女儿嫁给一个我觉得不是太真心的男人。然而，她 走了，总还是觉得像丢了什么似的。”
母子俩都感到伤心，希望她能回来。保罗觉得，母亲穿着镶着白色饰边的黑绸新外罩，似乎显得非常孤独。
“无论如何，我是不会结婚的，妈妈。”他说。
“哦，谁都这么说，孩子。你只是还没碰上意中人罢了，再等上一、两年你就知道了。”
“但我不要结婚，妈妈。我要和你住在一起，我们雇个佣人。”
“咳，孩子，说起 来容易啊。我们走着瞧吧。”
“瞧什么？我都快二十三啦。”
“是的，你不是早婚的人，但是三年之内……”
“我还会同样陪着你的。”
“我们走着瞧吧，孩子，我们走着瞧吧。”
“可你不希望我结婚吧？”
“我可不愿意你一辈子没个人照顾——不。”
“你觉得我应该结婚？”
“每个人迟早都要结婚。”
“可是你宁愿我晚些结婚。”
“结婚很难，——非常难。就像别人所说的。儿子娶了媳妇忘了娘，还是女儿孝心长。”
“你认为我会让媳妇把我从你身边夺走吗？”
“可是，你不会让她嫁给你，又嫁给你妈妈吧？”莫瑞尔太太答道。
“她可以干她想干的事，但她也不能干涉别的事。”
“她不会——等到她得到你——那时你就明白了。”
“我永远也不会明白。有你在身边， 我永远也不会结婚——我永远不会。”
“我不愿意留下你没人照顾，孩子，”她叫道。
“你不会离开我的，你以为你有多老？才不过五十三岁罢了！ 我想你至少可以活到七十五岁。那时你瞧着吧，我就是一位开始发福的四十四岁的男人，我再娶个稳重的媳妇，明白吗！”
母亲坐在那儿大笑起来。
“睡觉去吧——睡觉去吧。”她说。
“你和我，我们会有一座漂亮的房子，再雇个佣人，一切都会令人满意。也许我能靠画画发财呢。”
“你睡不睡觉了！”
“而且那时候你还会有一辆小马驹拉的车子。想想吧，——就像一位小小的维多利亚女王出巡。”
“我告诉你，上床睡觉去。”她大笑道。
他亲了亲母亲走了。他对将来的宏图都是一成不变的。
莫瑞尔太太坐在那儿沉思着——想着女儿，想着保罗，想着亚瑟。安妮离去，令她烦恼不堪。全家人本来是亲密地团聚在一起的。她觉得自己如今一定要 和孩子们生活在一起。生活对她还是慷慨的，保罗要她，亚瑟也要她。亚瑟从没意识到自己爱她有多深。现在他还是个只顾眼前的人，他从来没有强迫自己去了解自己。部队训练了他的身体，却没有触及他的灵魂。他体格健康，相貌英俊，浓密的黑发盖在脑袋上，鼻子有点儿稚气，长着一双少女般蓝黑色的眼睛。不过，褐色的小胡子下面的那张嘴倒是丰满红润，很有男子气，下巴也挺结实。这张嘴象他爸爸的，鼻子和眼睛象他妈妈的娘家人——长相漂亮，但都软弱，没有主见。莫瑞尔太太替他担忧，假如他一旦离开军队，就会平安无事的，但是，他可能走到哪一步呢？
服兵役其实对他并没有什么真正的好处，他痛恨那些军官们作威作福。他厌恶像个动物似的，非得服从他们的命令不可。不过他还算聪明，不会捅乱子。因此他就把注意力转移到寻欢作乐。他会唱歌，也会吃喝玩乐。他经常陷入困境，不过这些都是男人的困境，可以得到谅解。他就这样一方面压抑着自尊，一方面又尽情享乐着。他相信自己的相貌英俊，身材健美，举止温文尔雅，又有良好的教养，因此他自信凭这些能得到自己想要的东西。他果然如愿以偿，然而他还是烦躁不安。他从来没有内心平静地独自呆一会儿。他在母亲身边时，顺从得低声下气。他爱保罗，羡慕保罗，但还有点瞧不起。而保罗对他也是羡慕又喜爱，还有点鄙视感。
They ate a meal that she considered wildly extravagant.
"Don't imagine I like it," she said, as she ate her cutlet. "I DON'T like it, I really don't! Just THINK of your money wasted!"
"You never mind my money," he said. "You forget I'm a fellowtaking his girl for an outing."
And he bought her some blue violets.
"Stop it at once, sir!" she commanded. "How can I do it?"
"You've got nothing to do. Stand still!"
And in the middle of High Street he stuck the flowers in her coat.
"An old thing like me!" she said, sniffing.
"You see," he said, "I want people to think we're awful swells. So look ikey."
"I'll jowl your head," she laughed.
"Strut!" he commanded. "Be a fantail pigeon."
It took him an hour to get her through the street. She stoodabove Glory Hole, she stood before Stone Bow, she stood everywhere,and exclaimed.
A man came up, took off his hat, and bowed to her.
"Can I show you the town, madam?"
"No, thank you," she answered. "I've got my son."
Then Paul was cross with her for not answering with more dignity.
"You go away with you!" she exclaimed. "Ha! that'sthe Jew's House. Now, do you remember that lecture, Paul--?"
But she could scarcely climb the cathedral hill. He did not notice. Then suddenly he found her unable to speak. He took her into a little public-house, where she rested.
"It's nothing," she said. "My heart is only a bit old;one must expect it."
He did not answer, but looked at her. Again his heart wascrushed in a hot grip. He wanted to cry, he wanted to smash thingsin fury.
They set off again, pace by pace, so slowly. And everystep seemed like a weight on his chest. He felt as if his heartwould burst. At last they came to the top. She stood enchanted,looking at the castle gate, looking at the cathedral front. She had quite forgotten herself.
"Now THIS is better than I thought it could be!" she cried.
But he hated it. Everywhere he followed her, brooding. They sat together in the cathedral. They attended a little servicein the choir. She was timid.
"I suppose it is open to anybody?" she asked him.
"Yes," he replied. "Do you think they'd have the damned cheekto send us away."
"Well, I'm sure," she exclaimed, "they would if they heardyour language."
Her face seemed to shine again with joy and peace duringthe service. And all the time he was wanting to rage and smashthings and cry.
Afterwards, when they were leaning over the wall, looking atthe town below, he blurted suddenly:
"Why can't a man have a YOUNG mother? What is she old for?"
"Well," his mother laughed, "she can scarcely help it."
"And why wasn't I the oldest son? Look--they say the youngones have the advantage--but look, THEY had the young mother.You should have had me for your eldest son."
"I didn't arrange it," she remonstrated. "Come to consider,you're as much to blame as me."
He turned on her, white, his eyes furious.
"What are you old for!" he said, mad with his impotence. "WHY can't you walk? WHY can't you come with me to places?"
"At one time," she replied, "I could have run up that hilla good deal better than you."
"What's the good of that to ME?" he cried, hitting his fiston the wall. Then he became plaintive. "It's too bad of youto be ill. Little, it is--"
"Ill!" she cried. "I'm a bit old, and you'll have to put upwith it, that's all."
They were quiet. But it was as much as they could bear. They gotjolly again over tea. As they sat by Brayford, watching the boats,he told her about Clara. His mother asked him innumerable questions.
"Then who does she live with?"
"With her mother, on Bluebell Hill."
"And have they enough to keep them?"
"I don't think so. I think they do lace work."
"And wherein lies her charm, my boy?"
"I don't know that she's charming, mother. But she's nice. And she seems straight, you know--not a bit deep, not a bit."
"But she's a good deal older than you."
"She's thirty, I'm going on twenty-three."
"You haven't told me what you like her for."
"Because I don't know--a sort of defiant way she's got--a sortof angry way."
Mrs. Morel considered. She would have been glad now for her sonto fall in love with some woman who would--she did not know what. But he fretted so, got so furious suddenly, and again was melancholic. She wished he knew some nice woman-- She did not know what she wished,but left it vague. At any rate, she was not hostile to the ideaof Clara.
Annie, too, was getting married. Leonard had gone away to workin Birmingham. One week-end when he was home she had said to him:
"You don't look very well, my lad."
"I dunno," he said. "I feel anyhow or nohow, ma."
He called her "ma" already in his boyish fashion.
"Are you sure they're good lodgings?" she asked.
"Yes--yes. Only--it's a winder when you have to pour your owntea out--an' nobody to grouse if you team it in your saucer and supit up. It somehow takes a' the taste out of it."
Mrs. Morel laughed.
"And so it knocks you up?" she said.
"I dunno. I want to get married," he blurted, twisting hisfingers and looking down at his boots. There was a silence.
"But," she exclaimed, "I thought you said you'd wait another year."
"Yes, I did say so," he replied stubbornly.
Again she considered.
"And you know," she said, "Annie's a bit of a spendthrift. She's saved no more than eleven pounds. And I know, lad, you haven'thad much chance."
He coloured up to the ears.
"I've got thirty-three quid," he said.
"It doesn't go far," she answered.
He said nothing, but twisted his fingers.
"And you know," she said, "I've nothing---"
"I didn't want, ma!" he cried, very red, suffering and remonstrating.
"No, my lad, I know. I was only wishing I had. And take awayfive pounds for the wedding and things--it leaves twenty-nine pounds. You won't do much on that."
He twisted still, impotent, stubborn, not looking up.
"But do you really want to get married?" she asked. "Do youfeel as if you ought?"
He gave her one straight look from his blue eyes.
"Yes," he said.
"Then," she replied, "we must all do the best we can for it, lad."
The next time he looked up there were tears in his eyes.
"I don't want Annie to feel handicapped," he said, struggling.
"My lad," she said, "you're steady--you've got a decent place. If a man had NEEDED me I'd have married him on his last week's wages. She may find it a bit hard to start humbly. Young girls ARE like that. They look forward to the fine home they think they'll have. But I had expensive furniture. It's not everything."
So the wedding took place almost immediately. Arthur came home,and was splendid in uniform. Annie looked nice in a dove-greydress that she could take for Sundays. Morel called her a foolfor getting married, and was cool with his son-in-law. Mrs. Morelhad white tips in her bonnet, and some white on her blouse,and was teased by both her sons for fancying herself so grand. Leonard was jolly and cordial, and felt a fearful fool. Paul couldnot quite see what Annie wanted to get married for. He was fond of her,and she of him. Still, he hoped rather lugubriously that it wouldturn out all right. Arthur was astonishingly handsome in his scarletand yellow, and he knew it well, but was secretly ashamed of the uniform. Annie cried her eyes up in the kitchen, on leaving her mother. Mrs. Morel cried a little, then patted her on the back and said:
"But don't cry, child, he'll be good to you."
Morel stamped and said she was a fool to go and tie herself up. Leonard looked white and overwrought. Mrs. Morel said to him:
"I s'll trust her to you, my lad, and hold you responsiblefor her."
"You can," he said, nearly dead with the ordeal. And itwas all over.
When Morel and Arthur were in bed, Paul sat talking, as heoften did, with his mother.
"You're not sorry she's married, mother, are you?" he asked.
"I'm not sorry she's married--but--it seems strange that sheshould go from me. It even seems to me hard that she can preferto go with her Leonard. That's how mothers are--I know it's silly."
"And shall you be miserable about her?"
"When I think of my own wedding day," his mother answered,"I can only hope her life will be different."
"But you can trust him to be good to her?"
"Yes, yes. They say he's not good enough for her. But I sayif a man is GENUINE, as he is, and a girl is fond of him--then--itshould be all right. He's as good as she."
"So you don't mind?"
"I would NEVER have let a daughter of mine marry a man I didn'tFEEL to be genuine through and through. And yet, there's a gapnow she's gone."
They were both miserable, and wanted her back again. It seemed to Paul his mother looked lonely, in her new black silkblouse with its bit of white trimming.
"At any rate, mother, I s'll never marry," he said.
"Ay, they all say that, my lad. You've not met the one yet. Only wait a year or two."
"But I shan't marry, mother. I shall live with you, and we'llhave a servant."
"Ay, my lad, it's easy to talk. We'll see when the time comes."
"What time? I'm nearly twenty-three."
"Yes, you're not one that would marry young. But inthree years' time---"
"I shall be with you just the same."
"We'll see, my boy, we'll see."
"But you don't want me to marry?"
"I shouldn't like to think of you going through your lifewithout anybody to care for you and do--no."
"And you think I ought to marry?"
"Sooner or later every man ought."
"But you'd rather it were later."
"It would be hard--and very hard. It's as they say:
"'A son's my son till he takes him a wife, But my daughter's my daughter the whole of her life.'"
"And you think I'd let a wife take me from you?"
"Well, you wouldn't ask her to marry your mother as well as you,"Mrs. Morel smiled.
"She could do what she liked; she wouldn't have to interfere."
"She wouldn't--till she'd got you--and then you'd see."
"I never will see. I'll never marry while I've got you--I won't."
"But I shouldn't like to leave you with nobody, my boy,"she cried.
"You're not going to leave me. What are you? Fifty-three! I'llgive you till seventy-five. There you are, I'm fat and forty-four.Then I'll marry a staid body. See!"
His mother sat and laughed.
"Go to bed," she said--"go to bed."
"And we'll have a pretty house, you and me, and a servant,and it'll be just all right. I s'll perhaps be rich with my painting."
"Will you go to bed!"
"And then you s'll have a pony-carriage. See yourself--a littleQueen Victoria trotting round."
"I tell you to go to bed," she laughed.
He kissed her and went. His plans for the future were alwaysthe same.
Mrs. Morel sat brooding--about her daughter, about Paul,about Arthur. She fretted at losing Annie. The family was veryclosely bound. And she felt she MUST live now, to be with herchildren. Life was so rich for her. Paul wanted her, and so did Arthur. Arthur never knew how deeply he loved her. He was a creatureof the moment. Never yet had he been forced to realise himself. The army had disciplined his body, but not his soul. He was inperfect health and very handsome. His dark, vigorous hair sat closeto his smallish head. There was something childish about his nose,something almost girlish about his dark blue eyes. But he had the funred mouth of a man under his brown moustache, and his jaw was strong. It was his father's mouth; it was the nose and eyes of her own mother'speople--good-looking, weak-principled folk. Mrs. Morel was anxiousabout him. Once he had really run the rig he was safe. But how farwould he go?
The army had not really done him any good. He resentedbitterly the authority of the officers. He hated having to obeyas if he were an animal. But he had too much sense to kick. So he turned his attention to getting the best out of it. He could sing, he was a boon-companion. Often he got into scrapes,but they were the manly scrapes that are easily condoned. So he madea good time out of it, whilst his self-respect was in suppression. He trusted to his good looks and handsome figure, his refinement,his decent education to get him most of what he wanted, and hewas not disappointed. Yet he was restless. Something seemedto gnaw him inside. He was never still, he was never alone. With his mother he was rather humble. Paul he admired and lovedand despised slightly. And Paul admired and loved and despisedhim slightly.
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